Sunday, October 16, 2005

In Case You're Wondering If Leather Pants Are For You..

I totally borrowed this from someone else's blog. (Thanks go to Kaia at

It's the text from an EBay ad for a pair of leather pants. I don't know what these pants eventually sold for because the link to Ebay no longer works, but it's the kind of wonderful history on an item that makes shopping there fun. :)

And I know a pirate or two who might be reading this, so I had to share.

Plus (confession) I once owned a pair of faux leather pants. In my defense, it WAS the eighties......

The AD:

"You are bidding on a mistake.

We all make mistakes. We date the wrong people for too long. We chew gum with our mouths open. We say inappropriate things in front of grandma.

And we buy leather pants.

I can explain these pants and why they are in my possession. I bought them many, many years ago under the spell of a woman whom I believed to have taste. She suggested I try them on. I did. She said they looked good. I wanted to have a relationship of sorts with her. I’m stupid and prone to impulsive decisions. I bought the pants.

The relationship, probably for better, never materialized. The girl, whose name I can’t even recall, is a distant memory. I think she was short.

Ultimately the pants were placed in the closet where they have remained, unworn, for nearly a decade. I would like to emphasize that: Aside from trying these pants on, they have never, ever been worn. In public or private.

I have not worn these leather pants for the following reasons:

I am not a member of Queen.
I do not like motorcycles.
I am not Rod Stewart.
I am not French.
I do not cruise for transvestites in an expensive sports car.

These were not cheap leather pants. They are Donna Karan leather pants. They’re for men. Brave men, I would think. Perhaps tattooed, pierced men. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say you either have to be very tough, very gay, or very famous to wear these pants and get away with it.

Again, they’re men’s pants, but they’d probably look great on the right lady. Ladies can get away with leather pants much more often than men can. It’s a sad fact that men who own leather pants will have to come to terms with.

They are size 34x34. I am no longer size 34x34, so even were I to suddenly decide I was a famous gay biker I would not be able to wear these pants. These pants are destined for someone else. For reasons unknown - perhaps to keep my options open, in case I wanted to become a pirate - I have shuffled these unworn pants from house to house, closet to closet. Alas, it is now time to part ways so that I may use the extra room for any rhinestone-studded jeans I may purchase in the future.

These pants are in excellent condition. They were never taken on pirate expeditions. They weren’t worn onstage. They didn’t straddle a Harley, or a guy named Harley. They just hung there, sad and ignored, for a few presidencies.

Someone, somewhere, will look great in these pants. I’m hoping that someone is you, or that you can be suckered into buying them by a girl you’re trying to bed.

Please buy these leather pants."


Bill said...

That is one of the funniest things I have ever read. Good find.

H.E.Eigler said...

Hahahahaha Too funny. My old boss lives with a guy who wore leather pants to our company Christmas party. The entire staff made fun of him and the best part was that our boss was too drunk to notice. He also is over 40 and drives a red Mustang convertible. So, so sad. And funny for the rest of us.

nisha said...

hee hee!

I once worked with a woman who, on a whim, had bought a pair of leather pants. She had owned them for years, and like the ebay guy, had never worn them. So, instead of selling them or getting rid of them, she thought she might utilize them more if SHE MADE CUT-OFFS out of them.

I can testify to the fact that there is only one thing uglier than leather pants, and that is cut-offs made of leather pants.

Julie Julie Bo Boolie said...

LOL that's funny!!! :) Thanks for stopping by my blog.. there are so few people in the world who appreciate much less have seen Near Dark that it's always fun to find a new one :)

As for reconciling goth and gardening... heck I've gone from punk to new wave to granola to brainiac to soccermom wannabe all in the last two decades... Who knows.. maybe all the morbid knowledge from your youth will come in handy when you decide to grew venus flytraps ;) Plus, if you're like, come Halloween that black lipstick can still come in handy :)


Julie D.

Julie Julie Bo Boolie said...

Man sorry about all those typos.. this Mommy needs to go to sleep.


meant to say: "grOw venus flytraps" and "if you're like me"

Jenn said...

Found your blog through your post on "ghoolies" blog.
Glad i did, cause that was hilarious! Reminded me of Ross on Friends and his -er - leather pant fiasco.......
Maybe the seller should add a bonus jar of vaseline and some baby powder to his auction!

dixiedarling said...

That was a great ad!! I am still laughing. Thanks for sharing.

Tai said...


Even the PIRATES refrain from such atrocities, thank you very much!