Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Warning: This Post Might Mention Puke

A couple years back I made a post that explained Why I Could Never Ever Go on Fear Factor. I'm re-posting it here because I told Kim I would. Why, you may ask?

Well, let's just say I told Kim all about getting a double handful of a little kid's puke the other day at work. And instead of reliving it again by typing out the most recent incident here, I'll just regale y'all with some of my old musings on grossness. Have a lovely day, dear readers, and after you're done reading, go out and smell some flowers. It's Spring! :)

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Besides the fact that I would never climb out on a plane's wing, bungee jump off a sky-scraper, or ride in any car that goes purposefully airborne (except for that one time in Tai's old Charger), I could never win at a show like Fear Factor because they would probably ask you to eat something disgusting.

Now, embarrassingly enough, I used to enjoy that show because I figured I could at least do as well as the onscreen contestants at the gross stuff like eating tentacles and bugs. I'm not Eval Kneivel perhaps, but I'd always prided myself on not being grossed out by...things.


I mean, come on, I tried worm pancakes in Grade 4 science class, and once I tried (didn't actually get very far to be honest)eating a mouse as a child. WHAT was I thinking, you may ask. Well, thank you very much Mr. Farley Mowat (mmmm, remember the recipe for souris a la creme in "Never Cry Wolf" when he tries out what the wolves are eating?)


Also, I seem to recall some really disgusting "corn" bread made from gerbil food when my dear pre-adolescent friends and I liked to play "We're Lost in the Woods and It's a Survival Situation".

So I hypothetically had a shot at winning if I should ever find myself in front of cameras on that sort of reality show eating or wallowing in something gross. But now I know I've been fooling myself.


Somewhere along the way, my olfactory sense has honed and turned against me. NOW what would I do In a Survival Situation?

The SMELL factor would really be my downfall.

Two recent incidents have led me to this conclusion.Once, several months ago, I opened a small Tupperware container from the back of the fridge. "Hmmm, I wonder what this could be?", I said all unknowing.

By the gods! How could vegetables in salad dressing become a Thing of Satan? The thought of eating this runny lettuce suddenly sent chills down my spine! I would probably die if I had this smell in my mouth.

Suddenly the rat-milkshake people from television had more of my respect (if that's the word).


And today at daycare, just at the end of a sunny pleasant day, my intestinal mettle was tested anew. I heard my co-worker calling out for someone to help her. I went in to the children's bathroom and was met with the sight of one of our kids projectile vomiting. My co-worker was splashed to the knees. The four other children in the washroom were similarly decorated.

There was a tide of chunky pink puke everywhere. On the mirrors, the baseboards, the art cupboard.

Everywhere.

And the smell was a creature all its own.

The other kids and Justine started to heave in sympathy. No, please, no!! If there were going to be six people throwing up, I don't get paid enough!

I helped Justine herd them all out before disaster could strike. She took care of the poor little sick girl. And me, I was on cleanup duty. I waded in with rubber gloves and towels and bleach.When I came out of there,my eyes were watering from the smell.

Bazooka barfing in Technicolor Smell-A-Vision. That'll do it to ya.

And that's why I will never be seen on Fear Factor.

6 comments:

グラント said...

I'm the opposite. The stunts look like fun, but there's no way I would put any of that stuff in my mouth. I'm still trying to work my way up to enjoying sushi. I can eat it, but it makes me want to barf.

Tai said...

You take the puke and rat milkshake and I'll take the car driving at dangerously high speeds while someone tries to land a helicopter on it.
We'd be an invincible team!

kimber the wolfgrrrl said...

"We're Lost in the Woods and It's a Survival Situation" - That was always my favorite game, even when choking down burnt gerbil food.

Thank you for the repost. I was just pondering how little puke-inspired literature I'd read today.... :)

Pol* said...

OMG! I was just rolling around laughing my head off! I know that sick-kid-barf smell, and it is truly vile, unlike anything else you have smelled before. And rotting lettuce is pretty "grow-D" too. There have been some bad smells that I have been exposed to as well, and you listed a couple in the top ten.

Jocelyn said...

Actually, I think you've been through some pretty hardcore Fear Factor training; anything they could throw at you would pale in comparison to what you've experienced.

Weary Hag said...

Being an emetophobe, getting through just this post was a true test for me! Regardless off your warning (thank you!) I felt compelled to read on. I'm with the others... I'll take the stunt car ride, the parachuting off the skyscraper and even a bungie jump if it means never having to hold in my hands that which someone else already ate! EWWWWWW